So my blog/journaling project are over now, but I'm still adding this in...hopefully typing it out will help in some sort of cathartic way. My mother was diagnosed in 2011 with breast cancer, and after a mastectomy and years of chemo and treatment we are at this point where her liver is shutting down... and I'm a wreck. I've been crying off and on for days since finding out and am ashamed for my crying. I've railed at the unfairness of it all. I've felt shame for being all about me and my feelings when I have two sisters who are also losing their mother... my dad is losing his wife and life partner of 52 years and our kids are losing their grandmother...
It's easy to acknowledge that death is part of life but when it touches you this closely to someone who should have had at least 10 more years if not 20 then it REALLY sucks. I don't have any sort of platitude to make myself or anyone else feel better; all I have is a broken heart.
My son is withdrawing into himself and while he admitted last night to being sad, he doesn't want to talk to anyone about what's going on inside him... which worries me as well... And my daughter is so wonderfully matter of fact about things in only the way that a small child can ("will the doctors be able to find the cure if they open Grandma up after she dies?") And as my husband described it to our son the other night, my parents have been his parents for the past 13 years; so he too is losing his mother...
And here I am crying my eyes out everyday and hiding myself away from everything...
How am I supposed to continue living with joy when my mom, my best friend and confidante, is no longer part of my world? If you know - please let me know...
Wednesday, 29 April 2015
Wednesday, 15 April 2015
My Name is Kim...and I'm a Procrastinator.
I think the title of this post says it all. I am a procrastinator. If I knew a way to make a career out of being a procrastinator I would probably wait to do so. This admission has been a very long time coming. I don't know why I procrastinate, and I wish I could stop as I hate the feelings of stress and self-recrimination that come along with realizing that I've put off projects that would have otherwise been easy to do in the time allotted. But at the moment that just isn't to be.
When I returned to school 8 semesters ago I thought for sure that I would be on top of my game and better able to handle my workloads than I did when I was in University. But here I am, 39 years old and struggling to finish a project that has been an ongoing assignment for the past four months and stressing about whether or not I will have it completed to my instructors satisfaction on time.
There was even a point a few weeks back, while trying to accomplish the writing of a different paper where I found an article on procrastination as a form of procrastination!!! And that article spurned me on to another and another and... and the paper was late. I know that this behaviour is frustrating for the people around me. My children have often been the last to have a signed permission slip brought in to school, my husband has regularly bemoaned our being late for celebrations (procrastination isn't limited to school work, but also to getting ready for leaving the house) and my parents have given up (mostly) on asking if I've gotten my homework done in time for a projected due date.
For those who have been on the receiving end of the results of my procrastinating habits, I deeply and profoundly apologize. Will I be better in the future? I certainly hope so. Do I know how this is going to be achieved? Nope. But I have some ideas... and if you want to get a good feel for how those plans turn out feel free to check out the following articles: (or if you just want to put something off until later... ;) )
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html
http://waitbutwhy.com/2015/03/procrastination-matrix.html
“You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
What mood is that?
Last-minute panic.”
― Bill Watterson
When I returned to school 8 semesters ago I thought for sure that I would be on top of my game and better able to handle my workloads than I did when I was in University. But here I am, 39 years old and struggling to finish a project that has been an ongoing assignment for the past four months and stressing about whether or not I will have it completed to my instructors satisfaction on time.
There was even a point a few weeks back, while trying to accomplish the writing of a different paper where I found an article on procrastination as a form of procrastination!!! And that article spurned me on to another and another and... and the paper was late. I know that this behaviour is frustrating for the people around me. My children have often been the last to have a signed permission slip brought in to school, my husband has regularly bemoaned our being late for celebrations (procrastination isn't limited to school work, but also to getting ready for leaving the house) and my parents have given up (mostly) on asking if I've gotten my homework done in time for a projected due date.
For those who have been on the receiving end of the results of my procrastinating habits, I deeply and profoundly apologize. Will I be better in the future? I certainly hope so. Do I know how this is going to be achieved? Nope. But I have some ideas... and if you want to get a good feel for how those plans turn out feel free to check out the following articles: (or if you just want to put something off until later... ;) )
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html
http://waitbutwhy.com/2015/03/procrastination-matrix.html
“You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
What mood is that?
Last-minute panic.”
― Bill Watterson
Tuesday, 14 April 2015
Music Does More Than Calm the Savage Beast...
This post has been kicking around in my head for about a month or so now and I just haven't known how to go about writing it. I'm still not sure I'm going to be able to express what I'm feeling and trying to communicate with whomever is reading this, but here it goes.
I love music. Almost all genres have a home on my iPod play list. I very happily have Johnny Cash next to Nine Inch Nails (heck, I have Johnny Cash singing Nine Inch Nails) next to Bananarama next to Beethoven next to Frank Zappa next to the theme song to WKRP in Cincinnati (don't judge, it's a catchy tune!) I enjoy many current and popular tunes that are currently getting plenty of air play on the local radio stations and sing along as best I can and often.
It's not exactly news that music can elicit all sorts of emotions in us as living beings. That it can start tears falling as memories are triggered isn't a surprise. I clearly remember riding in the car with my parents when I first heard the song Woolly Bully by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs when I was about 6 in my parents Buick and I thought it was the funniest song I'd ever heard in my life. To this day I smile when I hear it because I remember how much I couldn't stop laughing at this song initially. I recall doing air bands at a Youth Retreat Weekend with my church youth group and drawing the song "I've Got You Babe". This song, along with the kids I was grouped with resulted in this being what I call an "our song" with my boyfriend at the time as we started dating that weekend shortly after the air bands were over. We were together for over a year, and it ended horribly, but that song makes me smile because it started well and with humour and friendship. The song "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman makes me smile as I fondly remember a boy I was dating in my early 20's when I returned to school for my third year. The song is all about waiting for that one special person and having them wait for you. I think of him whenever I hear it, even though we obviously didn't wait for each other. I remember singing "Copacabana" to my son when he was first born and I was alone with him for the first time ever. And I made sure I learned all the proper words to "Close to You" by the Carpenters for my daughter because as much as I would love to have had each one's special song from me be a Beatles song, the Carpenter's seemed a better fit for my precious daughter. "Dancing Queen" and I'm brought back to all my Friday nights dancing at Club Abstract with my best girlfriend (she was a huge Abba fan). Bohemian Rhapsody and I'm brought to my first kiss with my husband (also at Club Abstract :)) I could go on endlessly I'm sure about how each song I know reminds me of this moment or that person - but the point remains, music effects mood. My one girl friend once got pulled over whilst driving my car because Ruby Soho by The Clash was playing loudly in the tape deck and it resulted in her foot getting heavier as she enjoyed the song.
Most of a person's interactions with music are all quite personal and introspective so (and this is where much of my interest in this song post comes from) when the song "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran was heard for the first time by me, it struck me as odd that the person it brings to mind for me isn't someone I particularly care for or about but instead is the wife of an old boyfriend. huh?? Years ago, when DW and I were still speaking frequently (I've managed to stay friendly with most of my ex-boyfriends) I had asked him how he knew that he wanted to marry his wife and he quite eloquently said it was when he was holding her hand in his and looking at the two hands and thought "I'd like to know what this (their hands) will look like when we're old". This beautifully simple and romantic statement and each time I hear this song now and I'm stuck thinking of this woman I've never met and likely never will meet. Do I want to? Definitely not. Would it be awkward - yep. She is why he and I no longer speak. It was by her 'request' that we stop, so we did. So I wonder why when I hear this song, all I want to do is contact him and tell him to play this for her on their next anniversary or romantic dinner? There is no love lost in me for this person, I admit it. So why is there this part of me that wants to do something nice for her? No clue, but for as long as this song will be on power rotation, there I am - stuck thinking about a woman I will never meet; the woman who came after me...
“Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.”
― Shannon L. Alder
I love music. Almost all genres have a home on my iPod play list. I very happily have Johnny Cash next to Nine Inch Nails (heck, I have Johnny Cash singing Nine Inch Nails) next to Bananarama next to Beethoven next to Frank Zappa next to the theme song to WKRP in Cincinnati (don't judge, it's a catchy tune!) I enjoy many current and popular tunes that are currently getting plenty of air play on the local radio stations and sing along as best I can and often.
It's not exactly news that music can elicit all sorts of emotions in us as living beings. That it can start tears falling as memories are triggered isn't a surprise. I clearly remember riding in the car with my parents when I first heard the song Woolly Bully by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs when I was about 6 in my parents Buick and I thought it was the funniest song I'd ever heard in my life. To this day I smile when I hear it because I remember how much I couldn't stop laughing at this song initially. I recall doing air bands at a Youth Retreat Weekend with my church youth group and drawing the song "I've Got You Babe". This song, along with the kids I was grouped with resulted in this being what I call an "our song" with my boyfriend at the time as we started dating that weekend shortly after the air bands were over. We were together for over a year, and it ended horribly, but that song makes me smile because it started well and with humour and friendship. The song "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman makes me smile as I fondly remember a boy I was dating in my early 20's when I returned to school for my third year. The song is all about waiting for that one special person and having them wait for you. I think of him whenever I hear it, even though we obviously didn't wait for each other. I remember singing "Copacabana" to my son when he was first born and I was alone with him for the first time ever. And I made sure I learned all the proper words to "Close to You" by the Carpenters for my daughter because as much as I would love to have had each one's special song from me be a Beatles song, the Carpenter's seemed a better fit for my precious daughter. "Dancing Queen" and I'm brought back to all my Friday nights dancing at Club Abstract with my best girlfriend (she was a huge Abba fan). Bohemian Rhapsody and I'm brought to my first kiss with my husband (also at Club Abstract :)) I could go on endlessly I'm sure about how each song I know reminds me of this moment or that person - but the point remains, music effects mood. My one girl friend once got pulled over whilst driving my car because Ruby Soho by The Clash was playing loudly in the tape deck and it resulted in her foot getting heavier as she enjoyed the song.
Most of a person's interactions with music are all quite personal and introspective so (and this is where much of my interest in this song post comes from) when the song "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran was heard for the first time by me, it struck me as odd that the person it brings to mind for me isn't someone I particularly care for or about but instead is the wife of an old boyfriend. huh?? Years ago, when DW and I were still speaking frequently (I've managed to stay friendly with most of my ex-boyfriends) I had asked him how he knew that he wanted to marry his wife and he quite eloquently said it was when he was holding her hand in his and looking at the two hands and thought "I'd like to know what this (their hands) will look like when we're old". This beautifully simple and romantic statement and each time I hear this song now and I'm stuck thinking of this woman I've never met and likely never will meet. Do I want to? Definitely not. Would it be awkward - yep. She is why he and I no longer speak. It was by her 'request' that we stop, so we did. So I wonder why when I hear this song, all I want to do is contact him and tell him to play this for her on their next anniversary or romantic dinner? There is no love lost in me for this person, I admit it. So why is there this part of me that wants to do something nice for her? No clue, but for as long as this song will be on power rotation, there I am - stuck thinking about a woman I will never meet; the woman who came after me...
“Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.”
― Shannon L. Alder
I *may* Have Some Rage Issues
So this evening I decided that it would be a better plan for me to go over to a local coffee shop with my laptop, buy some overpriced sandwich and coffee and get some work done on this assignment.as trying to get anything remotely productive done at home is often a Herculean task. Almost 2 hours, $13 and an amazing club sandwich later I had managed to get my daily log of food uploaded (this only took 20 tries) and to drive up my blood pressure as I was preparing to throw my laptop out the window of the cafe.
Here's a little back story to set the scene in which I currently live - in 2013 both my husband and I lost our jobs within months of each other and this sucked. By mid 2014 we were still both out of work, and running our house on financial fumes and the kindness and generosity of both family and strangers. Our church kept us supplied with healthy meals and the occasional gift card and our friends and family helped us out by keeping our kids in activities and purchasing birthday and Christmas presents for them on our behalf. Fast forward to April 2015 and we're now both employed at a total of about 55% of our original earnings and playing catch up with all of the bills that didn't get paid properly for that year we were unemployed. This means that seemingly extraneous costs such as malware protection aren't being purchased in favour of paying our phone bill or buying groceries (or clothes for the 11 year old who is going through his 5th growth spurt since his birthday).
This brings us to my rage issues at the cafe. I apparently know much less about how technology works than even I was aware as I had figured that getting away from our house and the WiFi here would help cut down on the number of annoying pop-ups that have been plaguing our laptop. Nope. In fact, it felt like I was getting more pop-ups while sitting in the cafe! Each time I tried to update my account on www.myfitnesspal.com I would get stuck staring at a screen that had changed to base coding with no images and then an ad for buying the latest and greatest protection from Norton/Windows/Bell/Rogers/the guy up the street's dog... The whole point to my signing up to this otherwise handy site was to enable me to easier track my food intake and my exercise (such as it is) for this class assignment and now here I am stuck in Internet limbo with pop-ups for diet pills, libido treatments, flat abs, and buy our anti virus programming... grrr!! Like Hercules fighting the hydra, for every pop-up I closed, two more would open. I truly wanted to throw the stupid laptop across the room. Or at least the mouse (I wouldn't want to hurt anyone with my temper tantrum). Now I am not a child, or an adolescent; I am on the dawning end of middle age and should know better. Knowing better kept me from destroying an expensive machine. And deep breathing (yay for mindful meditation!) helped me realise that the coffee shop wasn't as much of a help as I had thought it would be. So I packed up and came home to work on the desktop (again, optimistic that the problem was with the laptop...) NOPE!!! and I mean NOPE! And it is with all of this that I realise that my children know some (possibly most) of their language because I have a temper. 8 pop-ups for Norton that wouldn't close (come on!! really??? wth???) and a hissy fit that my wonderful husband tactfully and wisely didn't take personally while he closed them all up and I sit now at my desk typing this account of my anger issues when I'm stressed and not having things come as easy as they used to for me. So here goes with my transparency: Hi, my name is Kim, and I have anger issues. I yell and scream when things don't work the way I think they should. I get annoyed easily when things don't come as quickly as they used to for me. And I yell or belittle other drivers on the road when I believe them to be inept at what should be a simple skill. This is not a pretty trait, and certainly not one of which I'm proud; but admitting it is the first step, right?
“There was something peculiarly gratifying about shouting in a blind rage until your words ran out. Of course, the aftermath was less pleasant. Once you'd told everyone you hated them and not to come after you, where exactly did you go?”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
Here's a little back story to set the scene in which I currently live - in 2013 both my husband and I lost our jobs within months of each other and this sucked. By mid 2014 we were still both out of work, and running our house on financial fumes and the kindness and generosity of both family and strangers. Our church kept us supplied with healthy meals and the occasional gift card and our friends and family helped us out by keeping our kids in activities and purchasing birthday and Christmas presents for them on our behalf. Fast forward to April 2015 and we're now both employed at a total of about 55% of our original earnings and playing catch up with all of the bills that didn't get paid properly for that year we were unemployed. This means that seemingly extraneous costs such as malware protection aren't being purchased in favour of paying our phone bill or buying groceries (or clothes for the 11 year old who is going through his 5th growth spurt since his birthday).
This brings us to my rage issues at the cafe. I apparently know much less about how technology works than even I was aware as I had figured that getting away from our house and the WiFi here would help cut down on the number of annoying pop-ups that have been plaguing our laptop. Nope. In fact, it felt like I was getting more pop-ups while sitting in the cafe! Each time I tried to update my account on www.myfitnesspal.com I would get stuck staring at a screen that had changed to base coding with no images and then an ad for buying the latest and greatest protection from Norton/Windows/Bell/Rogers/the guy up the street's dog... The whole point to my signing up to this otherwise handy site was to enable me to easier track my food intake and my exercise (such as it is) for this class assignment and now here I am stuck in Internet limbo with pop-ups for diet pills, libido treatments, flat abs, and buy our anti virus programming... grrr!! Like Hercules fighting the hydra, for every pop-up I closed, two more would open. I truly wanted to throw the stupid laptop across the room. Or at least the mouse (I wouldn't want to hurt anyone with my temper tantrum). Now I am not a child, or an adolescent; I am on the dawning end of middle age and should know better. Knowing better kept me from destroying an expensive machine. And deep breathing (yay for mindful meditation!) helped me realise that the coffee shop wasn't as much of a help as I had thought it would be. So I packed up and came home to work on the desktop (again, optimistic that the problem was with the laptop...) NOPE!!! and I mean NOPE! And it is with all of this that I realise that my children know some (possibly most) of their language because I have a temper. 8 pop-ups for Norton that wouldn't close (come on!! really??? wth???) and a hissy fit that my wonderful husband tactfully and wisely didn't take personally while he closed them all up and I sit now at my desk typing this account of my anger issues when I'm stressed and not having things come as easy as they used to for me. So here goes with my transparency: Hi, my name is Kim, and I have anger issues. I yell and scream when things don't work the way I think they should. I get annoyed easily when things don't come as quickly as they used to for me. And I yell or belittle other drivers on the road when I believe them to be inept at what should be a simple skill. This is not a pretty trait, and certainly not one of which I'm proud; but admitting it is the first step, right?
“There was something peculiarly gratifying about shouting in a blind rage until your words ran out. Of course, the aftermath was less pleasant. Once you'd told everyone you hated them and not to come after you, where exactly did you go?”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
Starting Over... sort of...
For those who have followed me over from www.kimmer.blog.com, I thank you. I don't have many more entries before this journal gets handed in for final grading and I want to say thank you for joining me on this short journey... or the beginning of this longer journey of paying closer attention to how I allow myself to react to external stimuli.
This self-reflecting isn't an easy task, and writing in a public sphere about it is even more difficult because I'm putting myself in the position of allowing my friends (and potentially also strangers) to sit in judgement of me and decide that maybe they don't like what they now see me admitting to being. Nobody wants to admit to being anything perceived as negative (judgemental, lazy, rage issues, easily distractible...) but here I am laying myself out for any and all to see.
Ultimately I have found elements of myself that I don't particularly care to admit exist within my being; but I have also found parts of me that I feel are good and wonderful, and I choose to embrace those parts more and to hopefully squelch more of the negative parts of my personality (not that that will be easy by any stretch of the imagination).
So this is my first entry on the blogger.com domain and I'm hopeful that it will support my blog for at least a short while longer as I try to reflect a bit more on what I've noticed about myself and the head space in which I spend most of my time. Feel free to let me know what you think.
Kim
“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.”
― Jim Morrison
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