So my blog/journaling project are over now, but I'm still adding this in...hopefully typing it out will help in some sort of cathartic way. My mother was diagnosed in 2011 with breast cancer, and after a mastectomy and years of chemo and treatment we are at this point where her liver is shutting down... and I'm a wreck. I've been crying off and on for days since finding out and am ashamed for my crying. I've railed at the unfairness of it all. I've felt shame for being all about me and my feelings when I have two sisters who are also losing their mother... my dad is losing his wife and life partner of 52 years and our kids are losing their grandmother...
It's easy to acknowledge that death is part of life but when it touches you this closely to someone who should have had at least 10 more years if not 20 then it REALLY sucks. I don't have any sort of platitude to make myself or anyone else feel better; all I have is a broken heart.
My son is withdrawing into himself and while he admitted last night to being sad, he doesn't want to talk to anyone about what's going on inside him... which worries me as well... And my daughter is so wonderfully matter of fact about things in only the way that a small child can ("will the doctors be able to find the cure if they open Grandma up after she dies?") And as my husband described it to our son the other night, my parents have been his parents for the past 13 years; so he too is losing his mother...
And here I am crying my eyes out everyday and hiding myself away from everything...
How am I supposed to continue living with joy when my mom, my best friend and confidante, is no longer part of my world? If you know - please let me know...
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